Today, Sunday 16th September, marks one year since we lost Vicky. I wrote this poem some time ago. Hopefully it will help you understand how I feel, how we feel...
IF ONLY (WHAT I WOULD DO)
If only we could have one more day
If only we could have one more hour
If only we could have one more minute
If only we could have one more second
If only I could travel back in time
If only I could hold you once again
If only I could see your beautiful face
If only we could cuddle on asda escalators again
If only I’d used the phone at midday
If only I’d insisted on driving there
If only I’d not trusted my instincts
If only the doctors had seen it before
If only these words were not in vain
If only I’d feel your warmth again
If only the car was back on the drive
If only you were still alive
If only I’d made you walk around
If only I’d rubbed your ankle more
If only we’d swim once more together
If only we’d dine out again together
If only 17 years could be 18 or more
If only these children weren’t half empty
If only I could wake up next to you
If only it wasn’t folded washing instead
If only we could plan holidays again
If only we could order take-away again
If only I could go to another New Years party
If only I could enjoy Xmas again
If only I could swap this for ANYTHING else
If only we could have gone together
If only we’d just have grown old together
If only I wasn’t angry at old couples in the street
If only I didn’t feel 100% a different person
If only the 31st July didn’t happen
If only the 16th September didn’t happen
If only the 26th September didn’t happen
If only you’d come back to haunt me
If only just to see you again
If only I wouldn’t be frightened
If only because I told you not to be
If only I hadn’t felt your final breath
If only I hadn’t felt your final heartbeat
If only the doctors had been wrong
If only my instinct had been strong
If only I could cook for you once more
If only I could clean for you once more
If only I could brew up tea for you
If only you’d go cute and say ‘sowwy dardy’
If only we could Xmas wrap at midnight
If only you could be the tooth fairy
If only I could play one joker card
If only that would give us one more chance
If only I wasn’t collecting trinkets
If only I wasn’t building a shrine
If only we could share that lovely new bedding
If only we could lie-in on a Sunday
If only I could talk to you not photos
If only you would answer from the photos
If only you could have talked those final weeks
If only you could have smiled some final smiles
If only I could have known what you were thinking
If only we could have talked alone for days
If only we could have at least said goodbye together
If only a God actually existed
If only we could have one more day
If only we could have one more hour
If only we could have one more minute
If only we could have one more second
If only...
How does it feel to lose your wife?
Well I’ve tried to explain...Andy
